no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
