One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i dont even know how to be here
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
