Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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