I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
