My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
