what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
