i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
