He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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