her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize