life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
