Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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