I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
