I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
