You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
