I think im going to throw up on grandma
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
