I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize