don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I AM VODKA MAN
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
