On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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