Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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