is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
