So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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