dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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