college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize