I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
