My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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