Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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