dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
