Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize