I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
