and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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