I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
