ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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