The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
either way he was missing a nipple.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
