my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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