I want to make a zoo with you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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