She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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