I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
