If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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