yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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