I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
