i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
