Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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