I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
