He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
