Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
