It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
