I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
