I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we're making bets on your personal life
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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