Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
