I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
