Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
