so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
