I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
