Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You may now shotgun with the bride
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
