I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
