We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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