I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
