Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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