Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
