thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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