I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize