Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
