ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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