How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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